Vanishing Grace
by littlekitsune1
Summary: Rated for language. New guilt festers together in the mind with old wounds she scarcely knew she carried. She's survived everything this world has thrown at her, but can she survive him coming to the realization that she can't become who he wants?


A/N: Grace – Verb form; to do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence.

Well… Not much to say other than: Surprise, Possk! Special thanks to Rascal for her beta job and putting up with my incessant insecurities about this story; especially since she hasn't even played the game, yet!

…

"Now, you're gonna wanna be quick, understand me?" His broken watch gleamed light onto the whiteness below their feet, and the girl found her sight drawn to the beam, despite the no-nonsense tone. "Obviously, this building hasn't been secured yet, so we don't know what's in there."

The light flickered and moved with the gesture he made to emphasize the significance behind his words, and green eyes squinted when it became blinding against the snow.

"Ellie, did you hear me?" the older man demanded, and her gaze snapped back to the face, grizzled with facial hair and etched in the sternness of stone.

Though the look would be intimidating to anyone else, Ellie stared back with a comfortable ease and bobbed her head minutely in the affirmative.

"I got this, Joel. Quick and quiet – same as always."

Joel hesitated a moment, before answering, "Good. And you let me go first, no wanderin' off, today."

She pushed an auburn lock behind her ear and flicked her gaze down before leveling him with an impatient look and a shrug of her arms. "Do you want me to salute, or something? I said we're good."

He didn't respond verbally, but turned and got on with the task like she wanted, which was as good an answer as any that he had acknowledged her. The frozen crust crunched loudly beneath the duo's boots as they headed up the hill toward their destination.

The building looked precariously crooked, moss and ivy swinging merrily from the dilapidated maw that had been carved out of the side with age. Ellie seriously questioned the wisdom of putting any added weight on the floors, but the fetching of supplies had been put off longer than Tommy usually liked, and she knew it was her own damn fault for insisting she go with Joel, as per usual.

"Shit," she muttered as the man in question helped her over the initial gap, onto the second level of the structure, and the floor groaned under the pressure. "This is fucking insane."

"It'll be fine," he reassured, "C'mon, just watch your step."

The smell of wet rot, hastened by the large amount of exposure in the roof, permeated the area and stung Ellie's nose. She covered it and used her coat sleeve as a makeshift glove for her other hand, to avoid the freezing slimy substance coating some of the desk and cabinet handles.

'_Oh man…' _she thought when she saw the pistol, covered in red fingerprints, but its innards untouched. _'Bingo.'_

"Hey, there's a few medical supplies over here," his voice echoed from the next room over, and she stuffed the prize in her backpack before following it. "We're in luck; looks like whoever was living here quit the place in a hurry."

She sighed before picking up a half-empty bottle from the floor where they were scattered as if someone had dropped them in their rush. "Yeah, well… That just means something bad happened. Let's just grab them and get the hell out of here."

Joel merely huffed in amusement, before scratching his beard and bending down to carefully place the un-cracked supplies in his backpack. "Yeah, you're probably right. These'll last us a while if we stretch 'em. C'mon, kiddo."

Obeying, Ellie knelt to her task, brushing the frozen powder off the vials to inspect them, quickly. Most of them seemed to have survived the fall, but very few were even half full.

The structure groaned when she shifted, and the girl froze as she heard the tinkling of rolling glass and one of the jars thudded against her foot without her moving it.

"Oh shit…" she cursed, "Are you hearing this?"

"Yeah," Joel mumbled, his eyes scanning the building cautiously. "Damn place feels like it could fall apart at any moment. Let's hurry it up."

"Right."

The sun shifted from behind a beam, and a flash of light caught her attention again.

'_Ugh, that fucking watch,' _she thought, shielding her eyes from the intensity.

It took her a moment to realize that Joel had moved to her far right, and that the glare was reflecting off of something different. Squinting, she moved her hand from in front of her face and searched for the source. A massive hole in the floor lie several feet off, but beyond it sat the gleaming cause for her irritated eyes: four bottles, brimming full with antibiotics.

"Joel, look," she pointed. "There's more beyond that gap!"

He followed her line of sight and hesitated before tightening his jaw resolutely. "Okay, you just wait here. I'm gonna-"

"No!" she interrupted. "That's stupid and you know it. I'm lighter than you, and I have a much better fucking chance!"

"Ellie…"

He stepped toward her, only to receive another low moan from the fragile floor. Pausing immediately, the man heaved a frustrated sigh before holding up his hands in defeat.

"All right, you win. But make it fast, you hear me?"

She breathed out slowly through her mouth, sending icy wisps scattering across the air. "Roger that."

Her movements were slow, deliberate, as she inched around the gaping break in the surface of the boards. Dust, mold, and frost broke free under her jostling and drifted in languid puffs around her feet, while her arms hugged the wall for balance. Joel startled every time she did, and tensed his muscles, and she knew he'd be at her side before she'd even have a chance to fall.

'_Oh man…' _she thought for the second time.

"Now, careful, Ellie," Joel warned from his position a few feet away from her, looking anxious.

"I know," she assured him in turn.

And that was when she heard the whine of cracking floorboards, right before the world in front of her turned into a blur as wind whistled past her ears, and she felt gravity take hold of her body.

"_Ellie!"_

She barely registered Joel shouting her name, or the heavy footfalls, but she felt the jarring shock of her halted descent with an unyielding grip around her forearm.

Despite the frigid air, the girl was rapidly working herself into a sweat as she scrabbled against anything she could and desperately grappled at the straining arm holding her up.

Past the blood rushing through her ears, she could hear the building keening again, and looked up to see the ground heaving steadily downwards beneath Joel's knees, buckling from their double weight.

"I've got you, baby girl…"

"Joel…" she swallowed against the lump in her throat, knowing he wouldn't move even if he had time to.

All at once, the floor gave way and she was falling again.

Before she could brace herself for impact, the bruising grip around her wrist twisted, heaving her upward and around his body. She could feel her spine dig into his chest when there was the violent sound of impact, a shuddering grunt of pain, and she was seeing stars as her head cracked backwards against his jaw.

The disturbed air hissed vehemently with the shower of debris, and Ellie could do nothing but lay still against the pain as the seconds ticked by. It took a few moments to realize that the labored breathing she was hearing was not her own. Rolling over off of him with effort, the girl blinked back the dots from her vision, before crawling over to Joel, whom she saw was blessedly awake, but unmoving.

"Shit…" she hissed, "Joel?"

"I'm okay," he grunted, "I'm fine."

Ellie's heart felt full of thorns when she saw the blood oozing sluggishly from his shoulder, and she crawled frantically toward him.

"Oh man… That doesn't look fine," she panted, and clawed at his jacket. "Here, move your arm."

"No," he snarled painfully, "I said I'm fine, I just… must've hit my shoulder coming down." He was talking through clenched teeth and obviously running on his usual survivor mode adrenalin as he pushed her gently away from him and wobbled to his feet.

"Here," she scrambled to his uninjured side and coaxed him against her shoulder. "Lean on me; there's a way out over there. Can you manage a ledge?"

Misty sparkles escaped his mouth far more rapidly than hers when he repeated, "I'm fine."

…

The way back was slow and arduous, but they hadn't gone far enough to warrant horseback. Ellie supported Joel while making idle conversation to try and distract them both from what they knew was a worse situation than they were making it out to be. Debilitated, they were easy prey for hunters or infected, even traveling along the more sheltered path as they were.

Maria had been unusually fussy with her brother-in-law, insisting on overseeing the treatment as they splinted his fractured shoulder. Ellie suspected the blonde woman's fierce protectiveness had something to do with her own current emotional state, which was a mess. She couldn't stop talking or asking questions, whilst ignoring Joel's repetitive assurances, which she knew were bullshit.

And now, here it was. Another one of those nights where the restless air hung still and heavy around Ellie's bed as she lie awake. It wasn't that she was not tired – no, it was rather that she was too exhausted to sleep, and her mind struggled to occupy itself so she wouldn't go insane.

The rusty old clock Maria had managed to find some working batteries for ticked away above her, and she could hear Joel shift painfully in the next room. She held her breath and glanced up, only to sigh in frustration when she saw the time. Shivering in the winter air when she pushed her blankets down, Ellie pulled on her coat and headed outside.

Buckley was on their porch – he seemed to sleep on a different one every night, but Ellie couldn't figure out a rhyme or reason to his pattern.

His tail thumped heavily in greeting as the girl settled down beside him, laying her hand on his neck. His winter fur warmed her hands and helped soothe the restlessness she was feeling.

This wasn't the first time Joel had gotten hurt, or even the worst he'd ever been. But it was one of the few times it had been directly her fault, and that bothered her more than his rather minor injury ever could.

Ellie eyed the night guards as they patrolled the perimeter, and considered joining them to clear her head, but quickly brushed aside the selfish thought. As long as he was bedridden, Joel needed her more than the damn perimeter, and hell if she wasn't sticking by him like always.

Boots scraped against the gravel to her right, and the redhead glanced up to see Maria approaching her quietly; unsure if she wanted to be disturbed.

She didn't, but still scooted further into Buckley's side to make room on the stoop.

"Hey," the woman greeted hesitantly, settling down beside her.

"Hey," Ellie averted her gaze to stare down at the dog's fur, with which she was busying herself by threading her fingers through.

Maria pursed her lips into a thin line as she thought about what to say, as if she were getting ready to tread on very thin ice. The leader of their home often expressed a deep care for her wellbeing – was downright motherly at times, and Ellie supposed she looked up to her as one would a close aunt, in turn. She'd come to suspect Joel's lack of a niece or nephew was based solely on Tommy's shoulders. Whether the man was afraid of bringing a child into such a world, or merely too busy, she couldn't say, though.

"So how're we doing?" the voice jolted her out of her thoughts, but she refused to look up as she nodded mechanically a few times.

"He'll live. He's too stubborn to let a fractured shoulder keep him out of bed for more than a day," she joked, but it sounded hollow to her ears.

A hand nudging her shoulder.

"I meant you. How are you holding up?"

Now that was a dangerous question to answer, indeed. So she didn't.

"Business as usual. I've survived patching him up in the past – I'll do it again."

Maria sighed and scratched the back of her head, before promptly standing up again, and Ellie wondered if she didn't look a little disappointed at the obvious dodges.

"All right, then. You wake me up if either of you needs anything. Good night, Ellie."

Ellie almost called her back; almost wanted to confess everything she was feeling to someone, but she merely watched the slowly retreating woman.

Joel and she had an understanding – something borne of two people that had survived countless atrocities together – and it was something others were not to be a part of, no matter their intentions. It was with that thought in mind that she watched Maria go.

She sat in the silence of Buckley's company for a while longer before standing. Dusting the white powder from her jacket, Ellie opened the door and left her snow-flaked boots just inside before going to Joel.

He was still asleep, and mumbling like he usually did whenever he fell into an actually restful sleep.

'_Sarah,' _she heard. _'Baby girl,' _she read on his lips, and felt the familiar tug of loss on her heart.

Did everyone grieve for people they had never met, or was it something partial to the way her brain worked? Joel was always saying that she was 'at that age where she overthinks everything,' but was it really just that? She couldn't ask him.

The slumbering man murmured Ellie's name and she turned away to head back to her own room, shutting the door with a soft 'click.'

Joel believed everything that happened was luck and coincidence, so was it coincidence that the two of them had grown to share this strange, unyielding bond that they did? Was it just luck? For who?

"_Swear to me."_

"_I swear."_

His lie had given her a perverse comfort, then. When it became the most obvious he would mow down the world to stay with her, she had felt a sick kind of elation.

But she was just a coincidence, too. A walking, talking symbol of what he had lost.

"_You're not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain't your dad."_

"_Baby girl…"_

Ellie sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her arms.

"_What are you scared of?"_ Sam's desperate question still plagued her mind, as it always would.

'_Joel…' _she thought quietly.

He'd taken the burden of humanity off her shoulders, but added another. What could she do with her life, when she had no right to live when her turn should have come so many times?

"_No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for,"_ Joel had said. Her mother's note stung in her mind – something she'd never shown to him or anyone.

What was she fighting for, now, when her purpose was over? To be Joel's daughter? That's what everyone kept calling her, after all. Even the ones who didn't say it thought of them that way, she knew.

Ellie pulled up her sleeve to trace the blistered abscess of her bite wound.

Shortly after she had given that picture to Joel, she'd started being haunted by his face. That happy face that she could only scarcely imagine belonged to the same man. Trying to peel the wrinkles and coldness of his eyes away to fantasize about a forgotten self had startled her when it physically hurt, as a crashing wave of mourning had hit her. She had never tried again.

No, that Joel was long dead – lying in the ground with his beloved Sarah and this broken world – and he was not coming back for her or anyone. She could not mourn him with any more logic than she could mourn Sarah, with this strange fallacy of love she felt.

Ellie was not naïve enough to think that Joel didn't see some of his daughter in her. It was only natural, and she'd always been comfortable with that. However, Sarah was an eternal image he held within himself, while Ellie was a living, breathing, _growing _being.

What happened when she grew out of this childhood state? Would he accept it and be able to move on, or would he finally give up on projecting his memories onto someone who would not; _could _not, become her?

The sound of a bed creaking lurched her out of her musings, and the shuffling of bare feet against the wooden floor quickened her heartbeat. She yanked her sleeve back over her bite as silently as possible before getting up to let him in. He stood in the doorway, tall and imposing, his hand poised to knock.

"You're supposed to be in bed," she tried to chastise, but it sounded uncharacteristically meek.

"I heard you breathin' in here, and it didn't sound like you were asleep. Just wanted to check on you, is all."

He looked even more rugged and weathered than usual – older. But she cast the thought aside as a play of shadows in the dark.

"Well, you've seen me. I'm fine, Joel."

He just stared at her, and she averted her eyes.

"All right," he finally said.

Ellie sighed aloud, exasperated with herself and with him for giving her the courtesy of dropping the subject.

"And you?" she gestured to his splint, "How's the… shoulder?"

He glanced at his injury briefly before his lip quirked up in a phantom of a smile. "Well, I'll live… Though you falling on me may have hurt more."

She knew he was aware that she appreciated when he used humor with her. It made her feel good that he could laugh in some small way. But this time it cut a little too close to home, and she leveled him with a solemn stare.

"Is that your way of forgiving me or something?"

His gaze turned heavy and she felt more guilt gnawing at her gut.

"Ain't nothin' to forgive, Ellie," his gruff voice held sorrow and authority all in the same breath. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Right," she sneered.

Joel sighed loudly and rubbed at his beard. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fan-fucking-tastic, Joel. I love free-falling from a rotting building. I might do it every Tuesday."

Now he was getting annoyed, too. "Cute. Now are you going to tell me what you want from me, or are we gonna play these little games all night?"

This was getting dangerous. She could feel her need for him to shelter her bubbling over. The need for him to nurture the part of her that was so scared of her own feelings, because he was the only one who could.

'_I want it to be okay, Joel. That's all I want…'_

Lifting small hands to cradle her forehead in a vain effort to keep the thoughts from escaping, the girl took a step back from him and shook her head. It was too much. She felt the startling pressure of moisture pressing against her eyelids.

"Ellie," he started, seeming vexed and oh-so-tired, "Look, about today – you know I ain't goin' anywhere. Now, you may not believe me, but there is nothing to feel-"

She snapped.

"What am I supposed to feel like, Joel?" her voice cracked, startling her with the intensity such a simple question brought out in her. "My whole goddamn existence means nothing to anyone anymore, except for fucking you!"

'_Where do I go without you, if you reject me someday?'_

The tears came, but manifested themselves not on her cheeks, but in the action of finding herself suddenly in his arms. This whole thing was crazy… She was obviously _going _crazy.

In all their time together, she'd never instigated any of the few hugs they'd shared. This innocent clinging was something shared between family members. Something she didn't have.

She felt like she'd just swallowed her switchblade when her mind even leaned toward Joel in the same breath as that thought.

It really sucked being so attached to someone…

…

Ellie tightened the strap securing the horse's saddle before looping the reigns over his neck. The stallion's wicked-looking blue eye pierced her, as if chiding her for being out this late without telling anyone.

Cujo was no Callus, but he was essentially hers, since the bad-tempered pinto threw a fit and brayed whenever anyone else tried to ride him. Why he accepted only Ellie, even the horse experts didn't know, but some of the other teens had joked that they were kindred spirits in their temperaments. Something that had only gotten them the finger for their troubles.

Her forehead and hands, flushed with cold, came to rest on the beast's side, pausing there for a moment before the girl hefted herself onto her mount in one fluid motion, turning him towards the woods. It was well past midnight, and the handful of watchmen still out were easy enough to sneak past.

The families in the plant were all well-fed – even throughout the winter – thanks to the wonders of electricity, but the concentration and adrenalin that came with hunting eased her mind.

Coaxing Cujo into a halt when she was far enough away to barely see the settlement's searchlights, Ellie left the horse to graze against a tree while she shouldered the bow.

Joel had once praised her for being a good shot with firearms, but she felt safer with arrows. The last thing she needed was to alert every human and non-human in the area of where she was when she was out alone.

Crouched low, Ellie breathed shallowly through her nose. Beneath the crunching of her own feet in the snow, the night air was still and silent with winter's chill. Hushed breezes occasionally tickled her neck when they stirred her hair and whispered past her ears – blending with the looming shadows to create an illusion of restlessness.

She didn't know how long she was out there, just honing her senses and running on instinct until everything seemed vivid and clear in both mind and body. She figured it must have been hours before she stumbled on her first quarry.

She gulped down her thin breaths, altogether, when she spotted the jackrabbit grooming itself on the surface of the snow. It was young, and lean with the season, but it would do.

Slipping an arrow from the sheathe silently, Ellie's fingers flexed around the shaft in expert anticipation. She drew back the string until the fletching teased the invisible fine hairs on her cheeks, silently repeating a mantra in her brain to keep her arm steady.

The familiar 'twang' of the release sliced through the air like a knife, and she had to blink against the force whizzing past her face. When she next opened her eyes, the hare was dead.

Pleased with herself, the girl licked her chapping lips before crunching her way over the untouched crust to retrieve the animal. The arrow was salvageable, as it slid out easily and did not get caught against bone or tendon. She was getting better.

Last winter she'd had to learn from her own mistakes, but Joel had since taught her more about getting her own food. He claimed she was now better than him, but she was pretty sure he was lying to her.

With game now in hand, and mind feeling much clearer than when she'd set out, Ellie wasted no time getting back to where Cujo was still waiting. The horse nickered softly in greeting, as if she'd kept him waiting, flicking his tail when she approached his saddle. She tied the hare upside down by the legs to let it drain – another tip Joel had given her – and scratched Cujo's withers when they shivered against an itch.

The snapping of a twig; barely audible if not for months of having to learn to hone her senses for survival.

The girl turned, bow already drawn into a graceful arch, and breath hanging loose around her cheeks in icy cobwebs of adrenaline. The animal started at the sudden movement, swiveling its ears to stare at her, and Ellie cursed, lowering the bow slowly. It was a deer; a buck, like last winter, and she did not shoot or make to follow it when it turned and fled up the rugged terrain.

Pale light was beginning to break through the mist, painting the dawn sky with hues of pink and purple. Had she been out that long? Oh, this was bad. Injured or not, Joel was an early riser, and Maria even earlier. He was used to her wandering the nearby area without him, but always found a way to keep tabs on her, and she knew his sister-in-law would be the first he'd question.

It was time to get back.

…

Two rapidly nearing specks in the distance had Ellie rolling her eyes in resignation to her fate. It seemed Joel had wasted no time, and that was likely Tommy that was escorting the stubborn injured man. Cujo spotted the two horses as well, and bowed his neck hotly, but otherwise held back his complaints as she pulled him to a halt.

Maybe they really were alike… It was an annoying thought.

It didn't take long for Joel and his brother to reach her, even with her attempts to prolong it by stopping, and she blew a raspberry out her lips, slouching patiently in the saddle when she saw the reproach on Joel's face. Tommy seemed tired, but trying not to look amused.

"What the hell are you doin' out here?" Joel demanded, steering his horse to come up beside her, much to hers' dismay. "Huh? Do you have any idea how many people are lookin' for you?"

Ellie had never made excuses in the past, and she wasn't going to, now. Especially with Joel.

"I just wanted the fresh air," she said matter-of-factly, her eyes, still wide with youth, staring straight into his. "You know, to clear my head."

He was silent as he watched her, studying her face like he didn't know how to respond to the predicament now that he'd expressed his anger.

"I meant to come right back. I didn't mean for you to come all the way out here," she stated earnestly, and glanced briefly at Tommy to extend the sentiment.

In response, the younger man nodded to Joel. "Reckon I'll head back now that you two are together. Maria needs me, and God knows Ellie can watch your back on her own."

Joel said nothing as his brother nicked at his horse to turn it around and take his leave. His splinted shoulder remained immobile as he sighed softly in exasperation and fiddled the reigns with his good hand. He glanced towards the hanging rabbit and shook his head, but dropped the subject like he always did.

"Well, c'mon," he started, gesturing back towards the woods. "That's not gonna feed both of us, tonight."

Ellie hesitated and shifted in her saddle, recognizing the gesture for what it was. "Don't you want to rest your shoulder some more?"

"Oh, you know me. I ain't accepted old age just yet." A pause, and then the slightest of smiles graced his face.

She felt her lip quirk up into a half-smile of her own, before turning the pinto around and trotting off towards the animal trails ahead of Joel. "Hmph."

At least for today, everything was okay.

…

The sun was climbing on the horizon when the pair finally headed home, with Ellie's new catch. Cujo snorted irritably as Joel's horse came up alongside them; the grizzled man saying nothing, but the silence strangely comforted her and she didn't try to get any conversations out of him like she usually did.

The town came into view, bathed in mid-morning light, and Joel breathed in deeply through his nose before closing his eyes, and Ellie thought she'd never seen him looking so peaceful.

"So," she said, "Is this everything you were hoping for?"

A huff of laughter escaped his closed lips as she turned his words from seasons past on him.

"C'mon, kiddo. Let's go home."

"Okay," she agreed.

Their arrival wasn't as big a deal as Joel made it out to feel like it would be. People had too much to do around the plant and farm to worry about one escaped fifteen-year-old, but the stable hands did express relief when they came in to return the horses. Whether that relief was for her or the animals, Ellie couldn't be sure.

Her mouth opened in a jaw-popping yawn as she followed him past the twenty-odd families milling around, and into their house. Usually one or both of them took border patrol around this time, but with Joel injured as he was, Ellie knew Maria and Tommy would be excusing them for a while. Either way, Joel seemed content with the time off, as he settled onto the ragged couch they had in their living room, closing his eyes again.

She plopped down on the polyester surface as well, careful of jostling his shoulder, and turned eyes alight with happiness to him. "You know what I think?"

He cracked open an eye to peer at her.

"What's that?"

Shifting her legs up to lean over the arm of the sofa, Ellie excitedly grappled for what she was looking for, sitting in its stand a few feet away, and lifted the guitar to hold it in her lap.

"I think you should talk me though the chords again," she said with eager finality.

Joel's face quirked at her and his eyes came alive in the face of his old passion. "Okay, Ellie. Let's talk chords."

He walked her through the different strings and notes, and she strummed them mechanically; listening to his voice more than his words as she relaxed completely for the first time that day. She ended up falling asleep there, her head slowly drooping until it came to rest on his uninjured shoulder.

Joel stared at her for a few moments, before using his good arm to awkwardly but gently maneuver her onto her side, laying her head onto the cushioned furniture so she'd have more comfort. A few minutes of silence ticked by, before he slowly, hesitantly, reached for his watch. Unraveling the dark leather, Joel finally set the item aside; rubbing his hand lightly over the shallow grooves where years of placement had pulled the skin.

Ellie's sleeping face was peaceful as the man at last reached over to brush some stray hairs behind her ear, before settling in for a nap of his own.

"Goodnight, baby girl."


End file.
